Since December, I have had not been able to act like a wife or a mom and it has been so hard. I no longer run to the store to pick up groceries, pick out outfits for my Lucy, plan or make dinners, I do not even go out to get the mail because that would involve walking and getting out of bed.
I know that I have made a lot of improvement but I can sense that my spleen is not shrinking anytime soon so that means more of me sleeping, and moving like an 80 yr old for the next 'who knows how long' weeks. I am just sooooooooooooo over it. Ahhh!
We just want to be a family of 3 again. Lucy had a bit of a meltdown tonight when she wanted her nana and she would not go to either of us. To be honest, it freaked me out. She cried for several minutes and her eyes looked so sad like she did not want to be with her mommy and daddy. It was the worst feeling ever. She has been with us such a short time. I worked so hard to be her primary caregiver when we first brought her home and the bonding was a beautiful thing. Now, all our hard work seems to be unraveling and it is so out of my control. Nothing I can do. So I guess we have to wait this out and start all over again.
I hope time passes quickly and I will be able to be the love in her life again. Until then, enjoy all your precious babies, hug them, kiss them and pick them up and swing them around for me. Trust me, it hurts when you can't do that. I am hanging in there- it is just a major bummer and sad too.
5 comments:
Ton, Im so sorry:( Please just focus on getting better and don't dwell on anything you can't change right now. Hopefully some of the unattatching is just due to her being an independent toddler. Nothing has been fair so far in her life..ya know? It's just not fair, you are such a good mommy still even if you can't do all the mommy things you want to do! Hey, you went on a shopping spree for her today without leaving the bed right? Sunny days are ahead again for you soon. Love you. Jay
Tonya! I'm so sorry you are feeling this way. Things will get back to normal and Lucy will probably become more attached to you to make up for lost time! Sometimes I feel awful when Ilana is screaming on the way home to stay at the sitter's house after I haven't seen her all day. I just keep trying to remember that it's good for her to have these other attachements to. Although it doesn't make me feel any better! LOL
You and yours have been in our prayers!
Dessie
Tonya, I am so sorry for the hurt feelings you have right now. I totally agree with Jackie about focusing on what you CAN do to get well and not on what cannot be changed so quickly. Even Lucy's love and attachment to you can't change that quickly. Shes in a loving home with loving parents and she knows it. Shes still so young that you will have plenty more opportunities to do fun stuff with her and bridge the gap you're feeling right now. It will happen; she knows you love her, and Johnmark does too. In fact, we all love you and thats why we're going to help as much as we can so you can get better as soon as possible.
I know none of us can heal your hurt feelings right now but I hope you're comforted in knowing that you're loved and appreciated by all of us, and there is no one on this planet who will appreciate that more than Lucy, as she grows up in the loving environment you've provided and realizes how you've rescued her in so many ways.
Tonya,
I am so sad for you, Yet so happy that you are feeling so much better! We have been reading and praying that you will fully recoup. Keep your spirits up. Just a few weeks back as Lucy's total care-giver and things will be back to normal. Maybe even stronger because you already had the initial bonding. These children are amazing! I had plenty of warning in the beggining about the rejection of the mother, but when you are actually going through it there is not one word that makes it better, just time. We are praying for y'all!
Sorry you are feeling like an outsider in your own family right now, but i know things change so quickly with kids and when you are feeling better Lucy will be all over you, dragging you around real soon. she is just looking for someone that can keep up with her now, but she knows who her mommy is....nobody is better than mommy, not even daddy. its true even when daddy is around for now mommy always wins. she has changed so much since she came home (from china) and will continue to grow.
you have to concentrate on getting better for now and look forward to extra bonding with Lucy soon. we love you and will do anything to help you get better soon. lots of hugs and kisses....cathy
Post a Comment