'sup

I have this thing now, where at night I make myself day dream about the first time they hand me Lucy. I picture what the room would be like and how she would react. The noises, the unbelievable sensation about the whole experience. I think that it would be so surreal that it would make my head spin.

Then I picture being nervous the whole time while in China that they would suddenly say, we changed our mind. We want her back. Isn't that cruel to think about that kind of stuff? I always do that. Think about the worst thing ever.

I actually bought her a little duck for the tub. It is blue with big flipper feet. I hope that she loves it. In all honesty though, I seriously doubt we will ever meet her. Right now she is so far away from us. She is not even in existence. Kinda weird, huh? This little girl has so much planned out for her already. Days at the park. Story times. with her dad. Loving her family. Laughing with us. Vacations to the beach with grandma and grandpa.

Right now, I am grumpy and feel stupid for thinking about all of this stuff. It is just such a pain. It is kind of like thinking every month that I would be pregnant knowing it was negative but some twisted spot in my head just kept saying "stranger things have happened, right?". Oh yea, on that note, Congratulations to Nicole Richie- I am sure she will be a fantastic mother.

Oh well, moving on. John keeps saying be positive. Personally, my blog is not here to be a source of guidance for the adoption community. It is to express feelings right? For right now anyways.

I have to say that when one of us is down we pick the other back up. What really works is when we are both down. We get pretty funny. Picturing our referral when we are 50 years old and saying - well we are pretty much over it by now. You kind of have to be there. Trust me, we are funny.

Ok to all you optimistic waiting families- keep up the good work! You make a good name for all of us lame -o, woe is us couples.

see ya.