So here we sit two crappy years after being accepted by our agency and almost four crappy years since we dreamed of expanding our family.

It is freezing cold outside, I have gained ten ugly pounds and I am so lonely with out Lucy that I spend money (that we do not have) at the mall and eat sweets for fun. Everyone at work is annoying me, the way some of them breathe, what they eat and hearing about what their childs diaper looked like last night is really lame. I write out each hour on a piece of paper and feel a small sense of relief with every hour I can put an X on so that I can go home and stand in an empty little girls room.

I do not care that people say, it will happen soon, because it won't. It will be worth the wait because- they never had to wait this long!! It does not erase the last few years. All of the tears and money and meaningless daydreams and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting. Watching everybody else have momentous life changes. Watching all the kids in our life be born, grow and reach milestones. Knowing that we will miss all the precious months of her life for at least the first year if not more, if we ever get her that is. Knowing that she could be over in China right now without us.

THIS WHOLE THING IS VERY ANNOYING!!!! For all our other adoption friends, I feel your pain today, as you can tell. I am allowed to have a bad day, or two or a hundred just add this one to the list.